Grieving - My Grief List

I can't stand grief

Wholehearted Healing Collective

I absolutely cannot stand grief - if there was one thing on the plane of human feeling and emotion I would like to abolish it would be the process of grieving. I would hit it out of the ball park to land happily on the planet of 'Nope'.

Planet NOPE - living in denial

My planet of Nope rotates very, very, very far away from Earth - it's fabulous. I get to send things there that I do not want to take any responsibility for. It's been around all my life, it's taken me years to acknowledge that it does in fact exist. I find a great comfort in being able to send many things like blame, shame, anger, regret, procrastination to it. Sometimes I pop them all onto a space ship at once 5, 4 , 3 , 2 ,1 BLAST OFF.... Me? Well then I get to just relax

into the emotions I like to label unconsciously as 'nice and easy'.

The downside of living in denial

The only thing about that convenient set up is this, as intergalactically convenient as it is to blast all of my 'hard and challenging' emotions to Planet Nope is, it means I am not actually whole. I am only half a human. You see, we can't exist only feeling the things we label as 'good' if we want to be whole.

I spent my formative years in a heightened state of positivity and happiness. I created a whole identity around this, family, friendships, education. Any thing that did not fit that was absolutely not something I would entertain, well it was but, only in a drama like state, I would wallow in sadness for a time and swiftly move on...Ready to be positive vibes all over again.

The Grief List

I am no expert on the psychology behind grief I am only writing the next few blogs on grief from my experience. I have a simple but long (I am 45 so bare with me) My Grief List and it looks like this -

Leaving my Mum

My Dog leaving

Leaving my Dad

My Dad leaving me

Losing my Mum and Me

Leaving Primary School and my favourite teacher

Leaving my favourite home

Admitting Santa really is not real

Having a brother and not having a brother

Not achieving enough at college

Choosing education over travel

Not getting a 'First' at uni

Losing my uncle

Losing my Grandad

Building a career and giving it up

Losing mySelf and my body (and pretending not to)

Departing from my husband slowly

Losing my dream home

Divorce

Shutting down my business in Covid

Losing a sense of purpose

Releasing long term friends

Letting go of what I imagined would always be

Losing my persona as a wife/sister-in-law/ daughter-in-law/Aunty

Losing a nephew and niece

Yoga teacher retiring

Losing all hope that I was neurotypical

Shattered understanding of my entire existence pre-ADHD realisation

Money being easy

Money being hard

Saying goodbye to a life of only positivity and happiness - time to acknowledge it all for balance

(ps -there is more to come that's for certain and I am sure I've missed some off!)

Yoga Teacher Retires - BOOM (head can't compute)

2019 me and my much loved yoga teacher Stephan Trefzer

I really had no idea the impact my teacher had on my life and journey until he was no longer teaching me. He retired from teaching after Covid. I suddenly had a huge void in my life as a yogi, he was so much more than a hatha teacher to me, so much of the human I had evolved into was with his guidance and I felt I couldn't do yogi life without his ongoing support. I had become too reliant on his journey. He rightly said 'My journey is my own not yours and your journey is yours. Each and everyone has to find it for themselves that's how it works...'

Taking Responsibility

The point is, each element on that list left a huge void. It left a space of ownership and responsibility for what life might look like after the loss. Maybe we don't want to imagine it or own aspects of it that feel out of our capability without that person or situation supporting us. But what I know very clearly is that we find a way eventually - change is certain. The more we can stand alone the better...this comes with age and experience of course. We are then better placed to embrace the most nourishing and life enhancing people and situations for our growth.

Call to Action

Each aspect of My Grief List is worthy of a blog on it's own, I might dip in from time to time. If there is anything on the list you're curious about please do respond and I will endeavour to write my next blog on that - as hard as that might be. I think writing things down always helps, although I can also find a list overwhelming! BUT it can help to offload and as you look down you might get one of those 'ooohhhh' moments. Or maybe you'll cry or laugh or smile or swear...who knows what is might evoke. Try it - let me know how you get on. Or maybe you have a different list that might help...let me know!

May your entire Universe be filled with peace, joy love and light.

And may you honour the light that shines within your own heart.

Namaste,

Samtosha Chi